Okay, time for one of Monster Girl's rare freakish long somewhat serious musings about blogging! So here we are on the cusp of 2010 and while this idea of time moving forward and the slate getting washed clean isn't something I am up to dealing with exactly this year - I don't want to think about resolutions or parties, or the idea of what I've had to deal with in 2009, and I am not looking forward to 2010. However, after reading a few blogs about blogging and bloggers and politics and whatnot, I thought it might be a good time to have a think about, and to share with you, a piece of who I am, what this blog is, and where I see us going in the future.
I don't know exactly what my little blog is meant to be - it doesn't have a focus, and I'm not sure why anyone would read it, although I'm always beyond thrilled when someone new becomes a part of my life by following me along with Monster Girl Writes. I often feel inadequate, like it should have more of a point, like I am forgetting something important in my posts. I am not much like other bloggers - although every blogger is an individual with their own voice and talents and interests and faces, I can't help feeling as though there's not much space for a little girl who doesn't know what she is yet herself. The lovely crisp white backgrounds on so many blogs would never be a fit for Monster Girl Writes, and the beautifully inspirational and positive posts I love to read from others would probably sound foreign here.
I've never dwelled on the subject too much. I don't write posts in advance and edit them, unless I need to schedule them for some reason, and have always found it pretty easy to slip into my Monster Girl voice and typeity type away into the abyss. It is a positive affectation, definitely, and I'd like to clarify that I'm always writing as myself in my own way and from my own mind and heart, although my Monster Girl voice is only one within a choir of voices that complete this idea of "me". If anyone reading this blog was to meet me, they'd probably be surprised, although that's probably true of most bloggers. I'm awkward, sometimes stiff, and occasionally quite tactless to the point where people bring up things with me later that I had no intention of sounding the way that they came across; I'm often horrified that I've accidentally hurt someone's feelings. In this way I'm sure a lot of people in my life who might not be as close as others would see me as rough and rash.
I try and keep negativity away from my blog, although that doesn't mean I will pretend to be happy when I am not, which I am sure is obvious to any reader who has been with me since September. I usually find what works for me is if I briefly acknowledge when I'm hurting and push past that to try and find something interesting that I have to say. The reason I feel it's important to be honest and acknowledge the less-peachy things in my life within my blog is because one of the top reasons I got into blogging was because I respected and appreciated the idea of the blogging community, and wanted to consider myself a part of it. I have witnessed blogs in which other bloggers have helped out readers in amazing ways during tough times and I know that I have met lovely people and been comforted a great deal by others through this blog. Part of this idea of community does involve sharing part of yourself - no, that doesn't mean I feel as though I should bitch when I'm feeling bitchy, whine needlessly when I'm feeling emo, tell you guys every time I fool around with someone and fill you in on any secrets I might have stashed away in the recesses of my brain. It just means that I like to have a real idea of who I am reading about when I follow blogs, I like to feel that in some way I belong to a part of their life and they to mine, and as such I try to write the way I like to read.
The other reasons I choose to blog are mainly: to improve my writing ability and experiment with writing in general as I intend to make writing my profession and am currently a creative writing student at uni, and also as a project to immerse myself into. For some reason I really enjoy the structure and mechanics of blogging - there's something soothing to me about reading how-to-blog posts, charting ideas and milestones, and all that jazz, even if I don't intend to take over the world with Monster Girl Writes or anything, and don't even expect my readership to expand much if at all. This "project" aspect of blogging is what has made it so addictive to me in recent rough times - I have definitely thrown myself into the project side of it all and let myself become addicted.
Writing for an audience is interesting. Who is Monster Girl? Well, she swears sometimes. She is a completely broken-hearted mess. The loss I have experienced this year has been bigger than any other loss I have ever experienced - bigger than the deaths I have dealt with in my life, though admittedly there haven't been many. I feel as though someone has taken away a part of my life, like if all the years and experiences and hopes from my life were biscuits in a tin, that somebody has taken more than half of them and told me that I don't get to eat them any more, and I have nothing to look forward to after dinner now. I have depression and agoraphobia and have had since I was eleven, and interestingly that is the biggest help to me right now, because I've had a decade of learning how to deal with and compartmentalise my sadness. Sometimes - not often outside of a relationship, because I have the libido the size of a pin prick and power/trust issues - I enjoy my sexuality. I'm selfish, sometimes, and lazy often. I have never worn foundation and am never going to be a cosmetics person, (am possibly, in fact, more boy than girl) and yet I find makeup blogs freakishly relaxing.
And yet, if this is me, how do I put this "me" into my blog? Should I? Do I want to? And who is it that you guys are reading about now? Before this post, what was your idea of me, what "vibe" was I giving out through my little blog? I've always wished I had the readership to do a question and answer post, but I think that'd be a little silly considering the interest simply isn't there and I'm not fooling myself. I've just always been curious about what you all like reading about here, what you'd like to hear more about, or less about, or if you don't have any opinions about it at all! Haha. Maybe if I ever hit 200 readers, you know, in an alternate reality, I will do a Q&A. And, hey, pay someone to design a spiffy layout. And post up an amazon wishlist just so I could daydream about being one of those bloggers that are so beloved that one of their readers, who they have never met, sends a book their way. (Okay, so I've just spilled the beans on my silly idea of "blogging success", hahaha!) For the record, though, I know that maybe I should spend more time and effort on my layout, but I just don't care! I like my messy and standard layout. Until I find something else that suits me, this is how it stays. I don't care what's the most ideal for "success" (such a vague and boring notion, really) - at the end of the day, I'm going to keep blogging what and how I like.
Where do I want to go with Monster Girl Writes? Well, after reading those other blogs about blogging business (or housekeeping issues, as I like to refer to posts about blogging!) and in particular Kyla Roma's when she outlined why she might stop following blogs, I just wanted to tell you guys - okay, you know what? I can't promise anything. I don't know what's going to happen in this 2010 that's dancing at our door waiting to come in. But I can tell you with complete honesty that if you write me an email, I will reply. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. And this blog will still be here in 2011. I might lose focus, I might post less some months, but I will always be here and I'm not inclined to go anywhere that I won't take Monster Girl Writes with me. Do I think any of you are worried? Nope. I know I only have a readership of 45 people. I know I'm not anyone's favourite blog, that no one is hanging out for my next post, that it wouldn't be the biggest loss in the world if I fell off the face of the earth. But for some reason after reading Kyla's post, I just felt like it was important that I stated it here anyway. Sorry for the messy, long, jumbled post there guys! Feel free to ignore it if it bored you senseless.
